17 Simple Steps to Surviving a Writers' Conference

It's my birthday today! (Nothing like shameless solicitation of comments.) So I'm taking a break and sharing with you 17 *simple* ways to survive a writers' conference:

1. Be sure to accidentally leave your cell phone at home. That way you won't be able to talk to anyone for an entire week -- most importantly you will die at the thought of not being able to speak with your fiance for 7 days.

Furthermore, don't bring a calling-card or change for pay phones. This enhances the death-like feeling of fiance-withdrawal.

2. Schedule the first leg of your airline ticket so that you have only 30 minutes to catch your plane in Chicago. This is highly profitable, as it helps you lose pre-wedding weight without going to the gym. (*Gasp... run.... gasp... run...*)

Following step # 1 (leaving your cell phone at home accidentally) in combination with step # 2 (leaving only 30 minutes to run to your plane in Chicago) is especially helpful, since you will soon realize there's no way to contact the conference shuttle to tell them you... missed your flight. You have no cell phone.

3. When you finally arrive in California, be sure to tell the airline how grateful you are that they sent your luggage to Massachusetts. They especially appreciate it when you raise your voice and wave your hands wildly as you thank them.

4. Make the other people riding the conference shuttle wait irritably as you "thank" the airline.

5. Get stuck in the air-conditioningless shuttle on the highway for at least an hour. This helps you become acquainted with the conference faculty and students who are also stuck in the shuttle.
Editors for big publishing houses especially appreciate it when you tell them your life story, including how you wrote your first book complete with crayon drawings at age 2. Be sure to tell them you feel that same book would be perfect for their publishing house. After all, it's already illustrated.

6. Get a cool roommate, and a really stinky dorm mate. For instance, be sure that the person next door is going to snore so loudly you can hear her before you enter the building. Your roommate will be your new best friend when you offer her earplugs.

7. Thank the airline again when your luggage finally arrives... hours later. Do a happy-dance when you find all of your belongings are still inside the bag... including (drumroll please) your cell phone.

8. Call your fiance and forget that there's now a 3 hour time difference. Keep him up 'til 2 a.m. That way he won't be able to stay awake during class tomorrow.

9. Get to know some really awesome and talented writers (funny pictures to come) by seating 7 people in a car designed to fit 3. Duck every time a police car comes by. Then call your chiropractor.

10. Realize you are not a really awesome and talented writer. Choose to chicken-out and not talk with editors OR agents about your books... this especially good for the future of your writing career.

11. Come to your senses when your "mentor" gives you a swift kick in the rear and asks why the heck you're not presenting your book to editors and agents.

12. Meet with a really well-known literary agent over dinner, have her tell you she loves your pitch, then get back to your room and realize there's something hanging out of your nose. (I am not making this up.)

13. Sleep through most of the last day of workshops because you are too tired to lift a finger (other than dialing your fiance's phone number, of course).

14. Plan to have a nine-hour, overnight layover in the Denver Airport. Thank the cleaning lady when she gives you 3 emergency-survival blankets and a pillow.

15. Wonder how many people have slept on that pillow and if they had lice. Then decide you don't care because you're pretty sure you're not going to make it through the night anyway.

(At 2 a.m. in the Denver airport, going out and laying on the runway as the red-eye flights land is a pretty tempting way to end your life.)

16. Be told that it's illegal to get off the airplane when it's not the final destination on your ticket.
Actual conversation with airline attendant and me:

Me: "I have a layover in my fiance's town. I'm getting off the plane there and not getting back on for the last leg of the flight. Can you tag my bags for [name of fiance's city]?"

Airline Attendant (AA): "Ma'am, it's illegal for you to get off the plane in [name of fiance's city]."

Me: "Hypothetically speaking, if I were to get off the airplane in [name of fiance's city], what would happen to my bags?"

AA: *WINK* "Well ma'am, hypothetically speaking, if you got off in [name of fiance's city] your bags would go through to your hometown and you could pick them up the next day."

Me: "But it's illegal for me to get off before my hometown?"

AA: "Absolutely... illegal Ma'am."

17. Get off plane in [Name of fiance's city].

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B.J. Hamrick is a journalist, humorist, and Real Teen Faith Editorest.