But what about my campaign manager?

When I first decided to seriously pursue writing, I had all these grand ideas of what publishing a book would be like. I figured it would come out in hardback first, it would be shelved in all of my favorite bookstores and Wal-Mart and then, of course, it would fly off of those shelves because my amazing publicist would score these huge booksignings and people would wrap around the block to get their copies. Meanwhile, I would sit back, sign the books and smile.

My sixth book is releasing in October and here's what I have to say about the above paragraph:

Heh heh.

All of my grand ideas? Not one of them happened like I thought it would. There was no hardback copy, finding the books in a bookstore was more like a game of hide and seek, and booksignings? Only when I arranged them (and by I, I mean my mom).

Marketing my books does not come naturally to me. And actually, unless you've known me for a little while, most of the time you won't even know I'm a writer. I'm that bad at it. So, instead of giving you tips on how to be a great marketierest (not a word. I know. We're writers, we can make them up), I'm going to give you tips on how to be a really bad one.

Do with them what you will.

How To Not Market Your Book

1. Don't tell anyone that you're a writer or that you have books out that they could potentially buy.
2. Don't send people to your website.
3. Don't write a blog frequently. And when - of if - you do write one, don't advertise that you've written one.
4. Don't grow a fan base by responding to emails from readers.
5. Don't visit local bookstores and introduce yourself as a local author.
6. Don't do giveaways.
And finally...
7. Complain to your publisher about the apparent lack of work on their part while you sit on the couch with your computer and hide from humanity.

Got any more tips to add?